Stop Telling Me Who’s Allowed to Turn Me On

Quick—check that new model's Twitter to make sure he has all the "correct" stances on politics and culture before you get the lube out.

One of my favorite conversation games is Shame Crush. The rules are simple: You go around the group and each share someone you are abashed to admit you find sexy. In 2013, my friends and I were taken gleefully aback by the twenty-something gay guy who admitted to Paul Ryan. If he’d confessed his attraction today, we’d probably feel duty-bound to castigate and expose him on Twitter.

When did it become problematic to lust after problematic men? When did a culture of awareness seep into our dirty fantasies like a spritz of well-aimed bleach, eradicating attraction and erection alike?

We’ve seen a lot of this phenomenon in recent weeks. Remember the Q-Anon Shaman who stormed the Capitol? He inspired a lot of thirsty tweets from gay men, and a lot of hand-slapping replies from other gay men for sexualizing a terrorist. And then OnlyFans content creator Illux inspired some outrage of his own when he posted a video of himself dressed as Jake Angeli, riding a dildo. “People died,” one Twitter user replied to his video. “Immediate unfollow.”

We are now expected to fully vet the men to whom we jerk off, in case they’ve said something that the PC police deem unacceptable. COVID denier? If you think he’s hot, then you’re an anti vaxxer. Jacking off to someone who retweets racist conspiracies makes you a racist. And god forbid you even whisper that Aaron Schock has a great body. After being reamed out on social media for appearing in his company, Coachella goers had to apologize for hanging out with him and explain that they didn’t know who he was. Can a Republican ever be hot again? Can a centrist? We’ll have to wait until a decree is handed down from the moral highground occupied by self-righteous arbiters like Gay Twitter, GaysOverCOVID, and editors like Str8UpGay’s Zach Sire, who reports on models’ “bad” behavior while making money from the associated affiliate links in his posts.

What people tend to forget is that sex and sexuality are separate from logic. The heart wants what it wants, right? And so goes the dick. I don’t need anyone censoring my fantasy life or casting aspersions regarding who gets me off when I’m alone. Should I not think about Mark Ruffalo when I’m masturbating because he’s a 9/11 truther? Is Hillsong member Chris Pratt no longer sexy? Quick, what is Michael B. Jordan’s opinion on GameStop? We already second-guess and overthink our initial reactions to practically everything in an attempt to be better citizens. Do I also have to run a background check on every model in a porn release to make sure I’m not committing treason for getting off?

Everyone has their own kinks and limits. If someone wants to knowingly fantasize about David Duke, that’s between them and their conscience. When it comes to fantasy, let each man be his own judge and jury. Feeling dirty afterward can sometimes be just as hot as feeling dirty during. I’m just trying to cum so I can get on with my day. I’m not looking to change the world with every load. But maybe virtue signaling is the new kink. That would certainly explain its explosive popularity.

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1 Comment

  1. I was about to ask who Jake Angell was since I’d never heard his name. That few seconds of the dress up is kinda hot.I mean jesus, we have porn actors dress up like priests or altar boys, pretend to be father and son, brother and sister, you name it.

    Why does dressing up in a parody of what some psycho was wearing mean that you agree with or support them? We need to arrest all those priests and incesters then…

    Perhap this was Illux’s was of telling Jake to go f*** himself?

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